How a Man Deals With a Toxic Narcissist

Sometimes we are confronted by a person—often a woman, but there are plenty of men like this—who simply want to get us angry. They want to control us through our emotions—outrage is a useful emotion to them. There is a smart way through, a strategy that defeats them entirely.

First, don’t take the bait.

Never fight a toxic narcissist on the battlefield they’ve created. If you allow such a person to control the emotional conditions of an interaction, you have already surrendered to them.

Often, such a toxic person does not even want a solution. A solution might be antithetical to their goals. They might even—deep down or on the surface—know they are wrong. If they sense this—and this is where things go with ideologically driven women in particular—they will avoid logic and even call is “toxic masculinity.”

What they want is a strong reaction. They provoke, accuse, exaggerate, twist your words, question your intentions, and push you toward anger because they know that an emotional response makes you easier to control.

A man must recognize this before stepping in the trap.

For example, if someone purposely insults out, especially for no reason, they are hoping you’ll insult them, so they can attack you on those grounds.

They will next twist your words and through them back at you to make you explain yourself on this new battleground. They know they can win such a stupid argument. They’ll also work to make you even angrier.

By the way, they might even start recording this on their phone—or someone you might not notice might do this. If so, they can publicly shame even destroy you.

This is where a man must pause and think. Consider the game being played and refuse to abide its dishonest rules. Smile—physically smile an easy smile—and take a deep breath. If you need more time, ask them if they are okay. This will can drive a toxic narcissist crazy, as they will notice they are not achieving control.

Now realize, you do not have to answer every accusation. You do not have to correct every false statement. Often the best response is to observe what the person is trying to accomplish before deciding whether their words deserve your energy.

Now, a man should not be passive here. He just must remain in control of himself. There are times, such as in a workplace meeting, where accusations will need to be deflated with the truth, but to effectively do so you must remain calm.

Ask yourself if this person is trying to solve something. Are they acting in good-faith? Maybe they are just having a bad day or maybe they really misinterpreted something. Probe them with questions about their mental state or simply leave the area to calm things down. People will notice who did the right thing.

Most importantly, see the game. Don’t take it personally as you analyze their motivations. Consider everyone who might be listening. Keep your humor and maintain a strong stance—a straight back with eye contact—before responding or backing away from the crazy person.