How to Fight Off Wild Animals

So, every man likes to think he'll have a chance in a wild animal attack. The thing is, after writing about this for decades, I have to concede we do often have chance to, if not win, then at least get out alive--manhood intact. Here are the basics.

Alligator and Crocodile

When A. J., a reformed alligator poacher, was asked how he was able wade at night in Louisiana’s alligator-infested swamps, yet never get eaten, he answered, “Always keep your arms by your sides.” If you don’t keep your appendages close to your body, he explained, even a small alligator will bite them and spin its body to rip them off. However, if an alligator or crocodile is really big, say over 10 feet, it may bite you anywhere and then take you down for a death roll—only luck will save you then, as you’ll have to go for its eyes. But most will grab an arm or a leg and spin their bodies to rip your limb off. If this happens, grab the gator or croc and spin with it. Lock your legs or arms around it, then shove your thumbs in its eye sockets and fight like you’ve never fought before, because if you lose, you’ll never fight again.

Bear

First decide if the bear is predatory. If it’s a black bear, fight. If it’s a grizzly, it depends. If a bear attacks you at night in your tent or if it approaches you slowly, seemingly feeling you out, and you can’t get away, you’d better fight with a gun, knife, or just your will to live if it gets you. But if a grizzly, especially a sow with cubs, charges when you happen upon it, use bear spray and hit her in the mouth and eyes. If possible get up a tree. If not, lock your hands behind your neck and pull your knees to your chest and play dead. Loud noises can also dissuade a bear attack. Bang pots together. Shoot a gun in the air. Above all, be ready in bear country with bear spray and know how to use it.

Cougar

Always fight back if a cougar attacks. People live through cougar attacks because the cats don’t always know how to kill erect prey. They’ve been trained by their mothers to go for a quadruped’s neck and throat. If it bites you, go for its eyes. Punch it. Scream at it. Use any weapon you have. Just don’t give up.

Lion

Unless you or someone in your party has a firearm, you’d better climb a tree fast. Lions still kill people. Lions kill more than 100 people each year in Tanzania alone.

Snake

The only snake you might have to fight—you don’t fight poisonous snakes, you get away from them—is a constrictor. If you have a knife or firearm, kill it if necessary. If you don’t, control the head, and stay erect as you work its coiling body off of you.

Shark

Sharks have sensitive noses. Punch a shark with all your might right on the tip of its nose. Get out of the water. Sharks typically bite and then circle back for another mouthful. Though most shark attacks are instances of a shark misidentifying you as a fish or a seal—meaning they won’t be back.