Understand the New Rules of the Game

“[W]hen a woman makes an accusation, the man instantly gets the death penalty. There has to be some sort of due process here. All of these inappropriate behaviors are not all the same.” –Gayle King

Your father, or certainly your grandfather, never heard of “toxic masculinity.” They didn’t have to worry about “microaggressions” (or are they “macroaggressions”?), such as “man-splaining” (talking down to a woman) or “man-spreading” (taking up too much space on public transport).

Clearly, the rules have changed. Today you can be deemed “toxic” for simply being manly—you know, strong, stoic, and straightforward.

In hindsight things appear to have been so much simpler for men in the mid-20^th century. The men who came of age in the 1940s or 1950s or early 1960s could pretty much say what they wanted as long as they didn’t use four letter words in mixed company; for them, sex outside of marriage was frowned upon (which made for clearer boundaries about acceptable and unacceptable behavior) and most people married in their twenties; “gender roles” were assumed to be natural rather than imposed and certainly weren’t seen as something that we could change; divorce rates were about half of what they are today; and the illegitimacy rate was about 5 percent compared to 40 percent today (or 70 percent for many minority communities).

Still, things were hardly perfect in 1950s America. The social upheaval in America that began in the 1950s, as people struggled for equality in the civil-rights movement, for equal rights for women in the workplace, and for so much more, was partly a necessary reaction to the stringent social conformity of “Leave It to Beaver” America. But revolutions, even necessary social revolutions, often destroy the good along with the bad.

In this case, the effort to upend the “patriarchy” of the American workplace in mid-20^th century America didn’t stop with expunging real discrimination and other byproducts of sexism and racism. Many in the mainstream media and academia have kept pushing so far that they now think “manliness” needs to be ridiculed and labelled “toxic.”  

This when the vast majority of men in American today are for #MeToo, as long as it includes due-process protections for the accused. Men today don’t want workplace monsters preying on their wives, sisters, daughters, and colleagues. They also know that a true egalitarian society was the goal of the women’s suffrage movement of the early 20^th century and then of society in general and they aren’t just okay with this, they are all for it, as again they want their wives, sisters, daughters, and colleagues to have an equal opportunity to advance.

Nevertheless, the pendulum has kept swinging into absurdity. Now a man’s strength is viewed by some as being overbearing, overly aggressive, abusive, cold-hearted, and even misogynistic. Real strength, of course, means that a man is also compassionate, decent, loving, understanding, and wants the best for everyone around him; after all, it is harder to be good and compassionate in difficult and stressful circumstances than it is to be an angry, selfish child. Nevertheless, those who now see manliness as toxic don’t understand the deeper truth that manly stoicism is self-control.

In time the pendulum will (I am an optimist) swing back to a healthier middle ground that supports real equality and inclusiveness for both sexes. In the meantime, as this is a practical guidebook for men, here are the rules to live by so you won’t just survive, but will thrive in spite of today’s political correctness that so often deems manliness to be “toxic.”

Let’s begin with twenty-five practical rules for the modern gentleman in the today’s workplace.

1. It might sound trite, but it’s effective: the first rule is to have a hero, a role model, and to measure your own conduct against his. Most men are competitive and like to measure their achievements against others, so this probably comes naturally. But you must choose your hero wisely, of course, and you’ll find some suggestions throughout this book. Evangelical Christians have the catchphrase, “What Would Jesus Do?” But you could choose an historical figure (Abraham Lincoln, Lou Gehrig, Ronald Reagan), or an ideal of masculinity portrayed by an actor (John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart), or even, what would my dad do? Depending on your father, that might be the best role model of all. But have a hero and follow his example for personal conduct.

2. Read that employee manual. Yes, it is drivel from lawyers, but you need to be able to quote it back to them.

3. Eye contact is important: think about eye discipline. In conversation, a woman will watch a person’s eyes; a man will often first look at a person’s lips. If you speak with a woman, she’ll notice if you sneak a glance anywhere, so don’t do it; and if you speak with a man, maintaining eye contact is a sign of confidence.

4. Always dress a little better than necessary; it’ll give you an air of someone who’s moving up.

5. Ear buds are for kids. Ear buds kill conversations and make you seem like you’re tuned out.

6. In the office the tone of your voice should be clear, kind, concise, and never louder than necessary.

7. Silence your mind and listen, really listen when someone speaks, and respond appropriately. It is really that simple. Many people focus so much on their own thoughts and what they are going to say, that they don’t listen—and that’s a detriment in any meeting.  

8. Be aware of how posture makes you look—crossed arms are defensive, hands on your hips can be too strong for some, a slouch or downcast eyes weakens you. Be strong, but open and friendly.

9. Closed-door conversations should be rare and tactfully done. And, in general, a man should not do a closed-door employment review of a woman without another woman present.

10. Communication in an office quells dissent. If you keep too many work secrets from employees, you will alienate them. Dissension will start. The rumors will be worse than the truth.

11. You can be diplomatic and honest at the same time, and honesty builds trust; dishonesty destroys it.

12. Always give credit where it is due.

13. Demand credit when it is due (see “When to Demand Credit” for more on this).

14. Avoid criticizing others in the office (but see “When to Speak Badly of a Colleague” for when you must break this rule).

15.  Be positive and helpful and always ready to do a little more than is required.

16. Know your company’s hierarchy and get clear answers to how you can climb the ladder. Practical, directed ambition is a good thing.

17. Get to know your company’s competition. It will make you better in your current job—and might land you another one.

18. Never assume your boss knows what you do for the company.  It can be important to quietly assert your authority in areas where you have expertise, but don’t overdo it.

19. Never assume that those above you in the company have your best interests at heart. They should, but many won’t.

20. Learn: develop new skills, keep up on trends in your business, acquire advanced degrees if necessary, keep yourself versatile, competitive, and valuable to an employer. The challenge of learning new things will make you happier too; you won’t feel like you’re in a rut.

21. In general, don’t text at work. Talk to people face to face.

22. Maintain a clean, professional appearance; it shows you care about yourself and those around you.

23. Keep your desk clean and organized (a man who can’t govern himself won’t be trusted with supervising others).

24. The photos in your office are public declarations of who you are—make sure they say the right things.

25. Likewise, social media and the rest of your online profile is your autobiography; make sure it puts your best foot forward.